If anyone reading is pregnant or a parent I need your help. I started progesterone on day 14 and will continue until day 28 on Friday. Yesterday, I had some very very light spotting and cramping for about an hour (day 22) and still a little today. I'm trying not to get my hopes up only for another disappointment, but if you have implantational bleeding, what time of the cycle does it usually occur? Is it accompanied by cramping? I posted these questions on the message board but I was just hoping if anyone had any experienc and was reading if they could share it with me.

I decided that since Friday is my pre-op and day 28 of my cycle I will go ahead and ask the doctor to do a blood pregnancy test just to be sure. I've heard it's bad to stop progesterone if you get pregnant.

I'll just continue praying and try not to get too hopeful.

L called me at work yesterday and said, "Come straight home instead fo going to the gym." Our friends needed someone to watch their kids. Anyway, yesterday evening I got a small sample of parenting a 3 and 4 year old. After taking them out to eat at a buffet restuarant(I know ya'll think we're stupid), L informed me that he did not enjoy his dinner. Each of us had to get up with one of them 3 or 4 times each during the 30 minutes or so we were trying to eat. I said to L, "Super's cold?" He replied rolled his eyes and saying "yes." I said, "Isn't this wonderful, I can't wait to do this all the time." I told him it's different when it's your kids because you have them on your own schedule and you raise them with your values.

When we arrived home, both kids were sound asleep. I let L do the honors of taking them out the car and putting them to bed (Of course we have extra beds). Isn't that one of the best feelings in the world, to pull a sleeping child out the car and have them lay their head on your shoulders while you put them to bed? I can't wait to have that experience with my own children. The next best thing is waking them from a nap when they're tired and will cuddle a while. Last time I babysat for them, I got a special treat. As I was putting the 3 year-old to bed, she woke up, wimpered a little, and I got to rock her back to sleep. I hope those of you who are parents can take time out of your busy schedules to enjoy the little things like that.

I guess I'm just being sentimental because most of the time I spend with them, they're bouncing off the walls and playing. At least they spend their time outdoors instead of in front of the television.

I like babysitting. Although I get sad that I don't have any children, I at least get the oppotunity to pretend to be a mommy. It helps me to picture and dream of what my future famliy will look like.

I'm really not looking forward to surgery, so I would greatly appreciate any prayers that I turn up pregnant Friday when I go for my pre-op. Miracles can happen, right? Maybe I can have just this one little miracle.

I was so happy. I was cuddling my little baby at one point of the dream and pregnant in another part of the dream. I don't remember much about it. I just remember the part about waking up and wanting to cry.

This weekend is going to be a LONG weekend. L is working all day and doing some side jobs after work (IF treatments are expensive). I have to try and find a way to keep myself occupied, so I'll probably be writing several times. It seems like every weekend I'm alone flipping through channels I come across the discovery channel with mommies delivering babies. For some reason, I can't turn the channel, but just watch and cry.

Several months ago (it seems like years though) L bought a magazine subscription from his cousin. It was a parenting magazine! It's not his fault. We were only trying a few months when he did it and didn't think the journey would be this long. Again, I am drawn to read it anyway. It's full of a lot of really cool stuff I'm not sure if I'll ever get to use.

I guess I'll try to keep myself busy with housework and going to the gym. I know many of you with kids would kill for that kind of free time, but believe me, it's very lonely.

So far this break cycle has gone pretty good. I pretty much accepted the fact that it's not likely I'm going to get pregnant this month, so I not anxious during the two week wait. However, I am constantly being informed of new pregnacies and birth. I was mailing something at work yesterday only to the middle of a conversation about a relative of someone just having a baby, which led to another co-worker talking about the birth of her baby. It sucks. It comes so easy to most people and I feel like an outcast(even though I know in reality I'm not alone. It just doesn't seem fair that so many end up accidently pregnant, while I pray CONSTANTLY for a baby and nothing.

When L was first diagnosed with fertility problems, I was in denial, until over a year went by and nothing. His situation is improving now, I think, but my cycles are pretty screwed up. That's all I need! Both of us with problems. The good news for me is that I respond well to the medicine. Oh well, I guess I'll get to feeling better soon.

I had a nightmare last night. Were monsters chasing me? no. A loved one died? No. Husband left me? No. Your ready for it?? I dreamed I went to see my RE for my appointment only for the lady to tell me she didn't have me on the schedule. So in this dream, I was not going to be able to have my surgery because someone didn't do the scheduling right! Oh by the way, the appointment lady was big and pregnant! I was crying and begging to see him. I guess IF was bothering me more than I thought this month. It's amazing how hyper sensitive it makes you.
Thats all for now. I have several issues I'd like to discuss but I'm waiting til I get more readers, or any comments at all.